


Non Est Ad Astra Mollis e Terris Via (there is no easy way from the earth to the stars)

by Rozilla



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Awesome Darcy Lewis, Awesome Jane Foster, Blog, Blogging, Body Image, Civil War (Marvel), Darcy Lewis- Sass Master, EGL, F/M, Hydra are Nazis, Jane Foster Loves Science, Jane modelled in Japan, Jane talks Pluto, Mentions of Nazi atrocities, Mentions of War Crimes, POV First Person, Pluto - Freeform, Sexism in Stem, pondering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 00:54:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 10,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4243281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rozilla/pseuds/Rozilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane Foster keeps out of social media mostly, but does keep a blog for all things science. With a few personal posts thrown in.<br/>Edited (with sarcastic asides) by Darcy Lewis.</p><p>Chapter 1 - Introduction<br/>Chapter 2 - Sexism in STEM<br/>Chapter 3 - Darcy is the BEST<br/>Chapter 4 - Pluto and what it means to be a planet<br/>Chapter 5 - Body shock!<br/>Chapter 6 - Travels<br/>Chapter 7 - Small in Japan<br/>Chapter 8 - How to Stargaze<br/>Chapter 9 - A Life Undiscovered<br/>Chapter 10 - A Life Disclosed<br/>Chapter 11 - Registration</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This probably counts as RP, but what the heck!

Just a quick post today as my assistant insisted I say something about that stupid 'article' in TMZ. It's been causing a stir apparently and, I've got to address it somehow. I haven't even read it, what's the point? But here it goes. I promise to get back to your schedualed programming next week.

  
When I started this blog, it was purely for posting news and updates about my work in Cosmology, Astronomy and Astrophysics, and I made a promise to myself it would never ever get personal. I keep away from social media, no twitter account, not even Facebook, not because I think it's a waste of time, but because I was inundated with questions which, shall we say, didn't concern my academic work.  
My personal life is not up for discussion, I decided. If people have a problem with it, then there's literally nothing I can do. People will be jerks, as my assistant is keen to remind me on a regular basis, hence why I don't bother with a comments section on this blog. However, in a way, I can understand the interest. Of course I can! It's not just that Thor, my boyfriend, has saved the world many times, or even that he has these amazing abilities (or the fact that he's _fine_ \- Darcy), the fact of the matter is... he's an alien! An honest to goodness extra-terrestrial. You wouldn't have guessed from looking at him, he's pretty human in apperance (UNDERSTATEMENT - Darcy), but he comes from another planet, from another galaxy as far as I can tell. I have to admit, even I feel ridiculous just typing that sentence.

  
We are living in such amazing times, we as a species have seen such extraordinary things and I am privilaged to say I have bore witness to an actual alien world- more than that! And it's through Thor that I got that opportunity. I owe him so much, I won't deny that, but if it weren't for my work, for my research, for the study that has driven me for the better half of my life, I wouldn't have met him in the first place. Our relationship came from equal parts hard work and happy accident.  
Thor's is a culture that believes very strongly in the ideas of fate and destiny, and he tells me that it was fate that brought us together. I've never been a strong believer in it myself, but I have to admit, when I think about all the chances and choices and strange roads I travelled to get to where I am now... it doesn't sound entirely far fetched. Whatever the reason, whatever the driving force that has brought me to this point; I am grateful. If there is no reason, no pre-determined path and I am here merely by accident, well... then I am still grateful.

  
As my dad was known to say; it's all getting a bit quantum!

  
On a less serious note- I've been asked repeatedly what he's like as a boyfriend, and I am hard pressed to describe it. He just makes me happy. Stupidly happy. That's really all there is to it.  
We still have much to work through, I think that's pretty obvious, but I am happy to say he's worth every minute. I would hope he'd say that same for me.


	2. Chapter 2

I was asked to describe my struggles in STEM. The unspoken element to that question is, of course, linked to sexism. It wouldn't be far fetched to say that I'm sure every woman in STEM, especially those from more marginalised backgrounds, have experienced sexism to some degree or another. Anyone who hasn't- congratulations. You're a rare beast indeed.

  
I grew up in a happy bubble; I was home schooled by two liberal Jewish hippies, both in Academia (my Dad was a Cosmologist and my Mom is a Forensic Anthropolgist and Historian) and they never gave me any impression that I could not succeed in STEM because of my gender. I had no inkling that I'd be unwelcome in lab, or whispered about, or have my every move scrutinised and picked apart- the expectation being that I was simply passing through. A visitor, a tourist; not someone to take seriously. As an undergrad, my Mom, Dr Miriam Foster-Kohl, faced the worst that seventies and eighties sexism (and in many cases, anti-semitism) had to offer. She was the only woman in her class. Both the students and the professors tried to drum her out in both subtle and not so subtle ways. Sometimes asking her if she was tired, demeaning pet names, making period jokes, wolf whistling, destroying her work, setting her impossible amounts of extra assignments, ignoring her contributions and some times making unwanted advances. This continued right up until she became faculty professor- still the only woman in her field. She wanted a family, she wanted to marry my Dad, but the institution she worked for made it very difficult for her to say the least. She fought tirelessly to balance her home and work life, with my Dad's support. They both ended up taking me into the University. There are pictures of me, as a baby, playing with the contents of my Mom's tool draw whilst she lectured on comparative osteology. There are others of me building with Lego whilst my Dad drew equations on the board. I was a hit with the students and the faculty and, in time, the sexism of that particular institution began to erode away as they saw how well my Mom worked, even when she had a baby in tow, given the right amount of support. Which is why, when they decided to educate me at home, the Dean happily granted both my parents an unprecedented amount of leave to raise me.  
My childhood was idyllic; engineering projects, stargazing, studying bone samples, muesum visits, camping trips and 'visiting lecturers' (okay, mostly Erik- he and my Dad were friends for a long time). My Dad was English, so we would stay with my grandparents in England during the summer where I would go with my Oma and Opa to various historic sites. They taught me about my heritage- including some of the darker sides of it. My paternal great grandparents knew more about adversity that I ever would.

  
Back in the US, as well as the digs, bones samples and history books, my Mom taught me how to sew, we cooked together and dressed up, she made me these lovely gowns and dresses from materials she found in thrift stores and we had fashion shoots around the house. She was keen to make sure I never thought of fashion or dresses as 'lesser' because they were associated with the feminine. Mine was a childhood with as level a playing field as possible in regards to gender.  
After my Dad died, this all changed. My Mom had to take on more hours, so I had to go to School. I was a Senior in High School by this point and I had hoped that my rather unusual upbringing might some how make me 'cool'.  
No such luck. I won't go into it, needless to say- it wasn't fun.

  
The sexism I faced when going for Physics in higher education came down to me being percieved as too 'pretty' to be taken seriously (subjective is a word I'd use, but whatever). I waltzed into class with my face made up and wearing a dress decorated in stars and my professor nearly laughed me out of class. Even after I had completed the pratice papers and most of the text book for fun, he still looked at me and spoke to me as if I were a silly child in a fairy dress.  
'Sweetheart, are you sure you're in the right place?'

  
Like my Mom- I had to chose between being a woman and being passionate about my vocation and, like my Mom, it would take years and a lot of sacrifice to get find that balance again*. So, at that time, I made my choice. Gone were my home made clothes, my make up, my dresses. My Mom didn't blame me and assured me that she would support me no matter what.

  
'Janie, don't let those assholes win.'

  
And I didn't, but boy it came close some days. Even after I came in wearing jeans and a t-shirt, no make up, my hair pulled away from my face- this still wasn't enough. I was still asked if I should be there. It occurred to me that, no matter what I looked like, if I was a woman, that would always mean that I would have to work twice as hard. It didn't matter how many times I brought up Rosalind Franklin, Marie Curie, Ada Lovelace, Caroline Herchel... they were anomolies. They were lucky- if you could call being mocked and ignored 'lucky'. I got the impression very quickly that these men had no idea what it was like to have to try and live up to some impossible standard. Their work was judged first- as it should be. I had to compete with my... existance? It was upsetting. Frustrating. Heart-breaking, but... I came out of it.

  
Once I came to Culver, life got better. Not easier- but it was hard for all the right reasons; i.e. because of the intense amount of research and study. It helped that a good proportion of the faculty were female, on top of some of the brightest and most supportive men I have ever encountered in science. I was something of an outsider because of the theoretical nature of my research, but I got the last laugh on that score, I think you'll agree!

  
I've not been very specific with what happened, but bringing it up is painful. I cringe thinking about it. I will try again some day, but right now, I want to appreciate the positives and how all this nonsense has lead me to... my very privilaged position. I have not touched on racism, also still a huge problem in STEM- I would appreciate some insight on this matter as I, being white, cannot offer the same perspective! I might go into talking about anti-semetism (which I can talk about), but we'll see.  
That said, I hope no other girl ever has to face what I did. Hard work is expected- hostility and toxic work environments should not be the norm. It's not just a matter of paying lip service to one or two programmes, it's changing how we think of science. It's vital to understanding this world we find ourselves in- one of aliens, technology, super powered beings... how can we still hold people back based on such archeic pre-concieved ideas, when we have flying mech suits and enhanced super soldiers? 

If I can succeed _despite_ the sexism, imagine what little girls can achieve without it.

  
*I still far prefer to wear my plaid and my boots- but my new found freedom that came with my status means that I feel little guilt or conflict about swanning around in a frock. Thor assures me that, in his culture, the most accomplished mages and magic users (what they would term scientists) are women and wear gowns that would make Disney princesses envious. I've worn them and, let me tell you, they are comfy, flattering and completely practical... but's that's another post I think.  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy butts in A LOT whilst Jane is trying to big up her intern on the eve of her graduation!

Another more personal post, but this one is an ode to the one, the only, DARCY!

 

(Really? You choose this picture?! I have like, a zillion selfies that look WAY better! - Darcy)

 

This morning I was feeling pretty low; objectively I knew it was because I was jetlagged, tired, hungry, heartsore and in need of a serious caffeine boost! When I got out of bed and went to the kitchen, I found this mug waiting for me on the counter:

  
  
  


It’s a small gesture, but one that means the world to me because boy I need things like this some days! (Well, didn’t have his Highness on hand to romance you, so coffee is the next best thing - Darcy).

 

Darcy has been my intern and now assistant for nearly five years. To say she’s gone above and beyond the call of duty would be the understatement of the century. (I have seen some serious shit! - Darcy). I can say without any exaggeration that Darcy’s support, organisation, resourcefulness and friendship has sustained me and kept me going through some pretty rough patches (Alright! No need to get gay about it JK - Darcy).

 

True, she’s needlessly and relentlessly sarcastic, more than occasionally inappropriate and constantly makes fun of my love life (BUT THOSE ARE MY BEST POINTS BOSSY PANTS - Darcy). Then again, she’s also sweet, funny, brave and always has my back against the insanity that seems to be a day to day occurrence in this brave new world we find ourselves in (Okay, these are better points- Darcy). Her specialism, her major, was political science, which oddly enough has lent itself well to becoming my assistant (SUCK IT ERIK! Love ya really - Darcy). Her keen observation of the way people react to the world around us provides a unique perspective and one that is often forgotten in the wake of alien invasion and impending apocalypse (You mean I’m the only one sensible enough to run AWAY from the danger? - Darcy). It’s one that often escapes me (Gee I wonder why? - Darcy) because I have difficulty keeping my feet on the ground and remembering that sometimes, just sometimes, human interaction has it’s advantages (*slow clap* - Darcy). I am such a stereotype of the absent minded scientist! (Plus, you have to admit, Thor’s a welcome distraction - Darcy). She keeps me grounded and focused, she gives me a chance to look beyond the more specialised areas of my profession.

I’ve said it before and it bares repeating- in light of everything that has happened since New Mexico (and New York, Greenwich, Washington… IS NO WHERE SAFE? - Darcy); science can no longer be restrained to an elite few. We cannot keep people in the dark and it’s Darcy who reminds me of this on a daily basis (along with a reminder to eat, drink, sleep, go outside… it’s like having a dog that wears galaxy onesies - Darcy).

She has stuck out some pretty awful and impossible situations in her time; from Thor’s first arrival in New Mexico, being kept in the dark in Norway during New York (Annoying and frustrating, though it was understandable, I guess - Darcy) to the arrival of the Convergence in Greenwich.

All of this whilst she was still an intern and, as it turns out, still studying!

After London, I was given the means to finally take her on properly as an assistant and to start paying her for all the hard work she does (plus, it’s kinda embarrassing being an intern for THIS long - Darcy).

She’s graduating from Culver next week and I have the honour of attending the ceremony both as her friend and as a guest speaker (more details to follow next week!). I cannot even begin to describe how proud I am of her (Alright MOM - Darcy) and how much she means to me- so please send her your congratulations and hear’s to my best friend and the world’s best science wrangler!

 

(Love you to crazy boss lady! - Darcy xx)

 

 

(PS My make up is SO on point in this picture! Nice one! - Darcy)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane talks Pluto!

I was, of course, as excited as everyone else about New Horizon and the discoveries it made! A lot of pundits are bemoaning the fact that we're still using these long range telescopes and probes despite the fact that we know they're aliens out there. Which, to me, is beyond ludicrous.

If anything, the fact that we  know  there are aliens is  more reason to send out more probes and fund more space exploration! Until we get our own version of the Bifrost, we will have to rely on crafts like New Horizon to do the exploration for us. 

Funnily enough, I get asked about the whole 'Is Pluto a planet?' thing quite a lot, and up until about five years ago, I was very much on the side of 'No, it's definitely not a planet.’

Then I actually  went  to another world, several in fact, and I have to ask that we reopen the debate on how we define what a ‘planet’ is. Actually, out of the four realms I’ve visited so far (Asgard, Svartalfheim, Alfheim and Vanaheim); I’d say that only one fitted the definition of a planet as laid out by the International Astronomical Union- and that was Svartalfheim. From my studies in the Hall of Science, it appeared to be big enough, to have enough gravity to maintain hydrostatic equilibrium (keep a round shape) as well an uninterrupted orbit around what appeared to be a dying sun (which was drained during its war with Asgard)- so it fits the definition of a ‘planet’. It was barren and uninhabited, laid waste by a long-ended war, but it still counts. After all, all the planets in our Solar System, except ours, is uninhabited, so that shouldn’t be a factor.

Or should it?

The other realms I visited would not fit the IAU definition- Asgard is flat and does not orbit anything. It appears to exist within it’s own nebula which sustains its rather strange position. It has seasons, it has weather and tides… all apparently artificially maintained. It also appears to have a power source capable of running the Bifrost. My theory, though I have not yet put it to the Elders, is that Asgard is, in fact, a terraformed star. 

Yes, you read that right.

On Nidavellir, a realm known for it’s engineering and weapons manufacturing, they use Stella Forges, which is how they created Mjolnir. People keep forgetting- it’s not made FROM the heart of a dying star, but IN the heart of a dying star. The dwarves (yes, there are dwarves and trolls and giants- though none of them match any of the illustrations in my DnD guides!) use this immense energy to create pretty much everything that powers and upkeeps Asgard. If they can turn stars into forges, who’s to say they can’t turn them into habitable worlds? It would explain so much about Asgard and how it can maintain what is, essentially, a giant bio-dome. Does this place count as a planet? According to the IAU? No.

Alfheim is similar, but it was forged from a comet that orbits ‘Astrador’, an artificial sun. It is about the size of Pluto, strangely enough, and is home to the Light Elves. They are even more advanced than Asgard (would you believe) and I was able to see inside their observatories. They could change the nature of the sky at will, using what looked a little like the Cloudbuster from that Kate Bush video- only made of a kind of opal-like glass.

I wish I could show you pictures, I know how insane this all sounds! 

Vanaheim is very much like our world- it’s mostly forests and the various tribes and villages are all under the rule of King Freyr and Queen Gerdr, the same figures from the Skirnismal (although their courtship was not as awful as the poem would have you believe!). Their world is smaller than our’s but has a similar orbit around a sun as well as hydrostatic equilibrium- but it passes through ‘Njord’s Ring’, an orbital dust cloud that lights up the  entire sky in a beautiful aurora like display. It happens once a year, lasts a month and is celebrated as the sign of the start of a new year. Given that it has no uninterrupted orbit, it wouldn’t count as a planet. Like Asgard, it to was artificially created, from the remains of several existing planetoids, all mushed together during the Great Chaos (before the Tree was truly formed). 

It’s at this point I’ll bet you’re wondering- what’s all this got to do with whether Pluto is a planet or not?

Well, I think even the act of visiting other realms makes a real difference to how we view planets and how we define them. I would ask that the IAU would have to include  created worlds in its definitions, something I’ll bet they never thought they’d have to do. I used to be firmly on their side, believing that we cannot let tradition rule how we define the universe. 

Except we did and continue to do so, it’s just we’re tried to establish a  new tradition- what being a planet is. We based this, quite rightly, on new discoveries and new ideas. Science changes all the time, as we learn more, especially now. We seem to be learning so many new things at an alarming rate! I think we should include the act of intelligent beings literally shaping worlds when we talk about how we define a planet. Our own beloved image of a planet, the classic round shape that leaps to mind- will also have to be rethought! For not all planets are created equal. 

 

But I’ll bet you’re thinking ‘Can we really include worlds that are really far away and so alien?’ and I would say that, if we want to create any sort of dialogue with them, and trust me, we will, then yes we can include them. And we should. 

 

In the meantime, God speed New Horizons! Let’s hope we can discover something new,  comparatively  closer to home!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane recieves a sass-transplant and tackles body image.

So… I was out at a local corner shop (that’s what they call convenience stores in jolly ol’ England!) and I was just picking up New Scientist, when I saw… well.. I saw a gossip mag with me on the cover. The photo was a pap-shot of when I was out in Hyde park with Darcy getting an ice-cream after a meeting with an old professor friend of mine (yeah I know I’m a grown up, but I wanted a choc-ice okay?). 

I was wearing a vest and shorts that day, showing more skin than I normally do, because, to quote Darcy; it was hotter than balls that day. In London it gets super muggy and uncomfortable (though it still doesn’t beat New York or California in the summer), so dressing in something less revealing would have probably made me catch fire. Now, I’m used to this, or rather I  should be used to this; I am in a relationship with a high profile superhero who is, y’know, an alien, but what was really shocking was the headline underneath - ‘How to get a body like Jane Foster in Ten Easy Steps!’. 

Really.

I stared at it for a long time, convinced I was reading it wrong, but no- it really did claim to hold the secret to getting a body like mine. I couldn’t resist- I had to find out.

The advice was… hilarious actually. It was the usual- a series of boring and gruelling exercise and, to eat; a list of boring and gruelling salads (none of which is actually available or practical to the average working person). It claimed to get you to be, quote, ‘as slim and perky as Thor’s scientist squeeze’.

Are you throwing up in your mouth? Because I would be to if I wasn’t laughing so hard. 

People seriously publish this stuff? Aside from the demeaning and patronising tone (‘perky’? REALLY? They have not met Jane when she wakes up, even Thor’s scared of her before coffee! - Darcy) and reducing me from all my accomplishments to just being Thor’s girlfriend, which, wouldn’t be so bad but… they didn’t even get  that  right! I didn’t get this body from a healthy diet and exercise! Quite the opposite. 

Here’s the  real  secret to how I got so ‘slim and perky’! Feel free to follow along at home.

 

  1. Keep Very Unsocial Hours - up until about a year ago, I was lucky if I got six hours sleep a night. My job involves a lot of staring up at the night’s sky, which involves staying up late and sleeping in until late afternoon. I don’t actually have that many friends outside of my very small scientist circle because no one else is dumb enough to sleep like a bat (nocturnal, not upside down). No friends, no stress, no piling on the pounds!

  2. Eat Smart - Sugar, Carbs and Artificial Sweeteners, these are what has kept me so skinny that I still get ID’d when buying booze. I start my day (at one in the afternoon) with cereal and coffee, then at lunchtime I’ll have the same, sometimes with a pop-tart or a digestive biscuit (the one thing I miss when I’m back in the States) and in the evening, it’s what ever take-out is left in the fridge that hasn’t grown mould spores. I’m also as close to vegan as dammit (I have a weakness for fish, but I rarely eat dairy) so I don’t get much by way of protein. 

  3. Coffee - Black, two sugars and in an amusing mug. At least a dozen cups a day. Does your chest hurt yet? No? You’re not getting enough. Death wish or BUST!

  4. Minimal Exercise - My average daily routine consists of waking up, going to my desk, firing up my machines, sitting for well over ten hours whilst listening to acid jazz and going over reams upon reams of data. This can be interspersed with watching my favourite 80s cartoons on Youtube. On a really intense day, I might watch some documentaries on BBC 4. 

  5. Be a Shortass - Sucks to be you people over five foot three!

  6. Have A Slimming Wardrobe - If it comes in plaid, I buy it. Perfect geometrically satisfying oblongs make me look SUPER slim! 

  7. Have a Giant Boyfriend - He makes me look so small, how could I not look thin!

  8. Have A Lot of Metabolism - Enjoy it whilst it lasts! My mom told me it packs in around about fifty, so I’ve still got a while to enjoy my tiny, non-existent ass!

  9. Only Bathe About Twice A Week - I become so absorbed in my work, especially when it’s time sensitive, that dirt, sweat and all that good stuff all builds up, so when I finally shower, it all washes away in a flash! I must’ve lost at least five pounds that way! Sure no one wants to go near you because you smell like a jockstrap, but hey, less friends, LESS STRESS!

  10. Be Anemic - Like really anemic. I have had it since I was a kid and it’s screwed me out of good insurance ever since. I take birth control primarily to stop me bleeding so much I faint. I don’t help matters by not eating properly, but never mind- AT LEAST I’M THIN RIGHT?




 

The point I’m trying to make is; I am unhealthy. I may be thin, but that’s  because I’m unhealthy.  I know I should eat a balanced diet, but I’d rather stay up all night and work because I have unhealthy tendencies. It’ll catch up with me one day, I already get the shakes from my caffeine addiction and all my back teeth have cavities.

You don’t want a body like mine, it’ll probably mean you need to see a doctor.

The fact that, to this publication, I some how conform to this toxic idea of beauty probably tells you all you need to know about unrealistic standards imposed on the general population,  especially  women.

I ought to point out that a lot of Men’s Health magazines do these ‘Superhero’ specials on ‘How to Get a Body Like Thor or Cap’- forgetting that Thor  is an alien and Steve had undergone experimental treatment. Not all men can get access to a super-soldier serum and vita-rays, hell, SHIELD had been trying it for  decades . To say it didn’t work out would be an understatement.

 

These magazines promote unrealistic expectations and body types, ones that, ironically, are  very  unhealthy. The fact they hold up  me as some kind of ideal honestly makes me pretty pissed. It’s sure as hell not flattering; it’s pretty insulting actually!

I’m only sorry I can’t tell you which magazine it is, because I’ve been advised by my assistant it’s not OK and it could lead to me being sued. Which isn’t OK. 

OK?

 

(Wow, did someone spike Jane’s coffee? She’s gotten  way more sass right now! I feel like a proud momma hen! - Darcy)

(None can compare to Jane, just my opinion - Thor)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane reminisces on her past travels.

As part of my doctorate research, I went to as many different places across the world as I could afford. It took nearly a decade; there was no logic to my travels, since I had to go where the phenomena were. I went to find evidence of neutrinos and dark matter (and the phenomena that would turn out to be evidence of the Bifrost and the paths along Yggdrasil) in very specific conditions- Lake Baikal in Siberia, a mine in Northern Minnesota, the Atacama desert, the Golden Circle in Iceland and the HIPAS Observatory in Alaska (which is now sadly gone). I have braved some harsh conditions, Siberia was the worst by a long stretch- the cold, the toilets, the danger, the wild animals- but what I learned there was invaluable to my research. It all ended up, eventually, leading me to _less_ inhospitable places like Mitzpe Ramon in Israel, Montsec in Catalonia, the GTC in the Canary Islands and the Super-Kamioka in Hida, Japan.

All of this would eventually lead to New Mexico where the phenomena just appeared in the sky- but that’s another story.

This meant a lot of hostels, motels, camping and couch surfing, not to mention learning about five different languages, taking jobs where I could find them and surviving on very little money. I had to rely on friends, colleagues and professors for more than just funding and mentoring- sometimes I needed them for basic amenities. Dr Guðmundsdóttir leant me her cabin whilst I studied the auroras in Iceland, Professor Ortega rented me her spare room in Spain and I, whilst I was in Siberia, I tutored Dr Kolchak’s children in English in exchange for letting me sleep in his living room.

 

Over the last year, I’ve been back to travelling, now with Darcy in tow, and what’s really great is to go back to these places and see them again, meeting up with old friends and now having the money so I can finally pay them back for all their kindness- as well as sleep in nice beds and decent hotels. Not getting so cold I lose feeling in my minor extremities is pretty nice. I built up a network and it really paid off, especially now that my work has become, shall we say, a tad more relevant to the general public.

 

It is so humbling to see how many good and kind people I met and how many people were so willing to help me. It’s all lead to where I am now and I could not be more grateful. Going back to them to share my new discoveries, both on and off world, means that I can go some way to paying them back.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane's past comes to light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, none of those links work!  
> And no, I can't explain where this plot bunny came from. Just did.

So… it would seem some interesting photos have emerged of me from my past and a whole bunch of gossip rags seemed to think it’s some kind of scoop or blight on my character… so I’m going to give you my side of the story.

 

I mentioned that I interned at the Super-Kamioka as part of my doctorate research. This was part of my year long stay in Japan- five months in Tokyo then seven in Kamioka, Japan (this was before the city was formed). Whilst I was in Tokyo, I lived with another student, Fumiko (we were at Culver together and we ended up becoming friends- making her the first port of call when I wanted to come to the Super-K) and studied enough Japanese to get me by. We stayed at her Mom’s house and I slept on the floor and, whilst they never expected me to contribute financially (I offered to help around the house instead) I felt I couldn't impede on their hospitality without some monetary contribution. Trouble is, I had no money.

So I needed a job.

I managed to get a teaching job in an Language college (a common job for foreigners) but an opportunity came up, via another teacher at the college, which meant me and Fumiko could possibly rent a good apartment in Kamioka when our internship was due to start. It wasn’t something I’d even considered before, but in the end, the money was WAY too good to pass up. Plus, I wouldn’t even need to know any Japanese, in fact- I didn’t need to speak at all.

 

That is how I ended up modelling for the Gothic and Lolita Bible.

 

I was in my twenties, hungry and desperate- not to mention the outfits held real appeal. I mean, how many modelling jobs actually require you to wear more clothes? I remember being trussed up in so much black and lace I looked like I belonged on the mantel piece of the Addams Family. I wore a wig and about an inch thick layer of white powder to make me look vampire pale, as well as footwear that were more like stilts than actual shoes. For this image we shot in the forest, so I just stood or sat wistfully looking over a pond, my favourite is the one of me holding a parasol and wearing a white and blue Little Bo Peep ensemble. I am actually only one of five white models they’ve had for the magazine, which is… a claim to fame I guess. Fumiko appeared as well, and she looks way better than I do.

Am I ashamed of these images?

Nope. Not even a little bit.

Why should I be?

I was simply paid to look nice in some unusual clothes. Yes, the term ‘lolita’ is a little uncomfortable for some, but those who know about EGL will set you right on what it means- hint, nothing to do with Humbert Humbert. It’s simply making yourself into an unattainable vampire doll. It’s actually one of the most asexual movements I’ve ever come across, not to mention, most men I’ve met find the look too weird for their tastes.

Is it for me? Probably not, I found the look to be way too high maintenance for me. It was fun while it lasted, but I wouldn’t have done it for a living. I prefer a nice pair of pants and my comfortable plaid shirts and rain boots (though I did so a lot of study in a Princess gown whilst on Asgard, but that’s for another time).

Here’s the thing- even if I’d modelled in a bikini, or my underwear, it still made no difference to how dedicated and hard working I was. But if I had, and someone had found those pictures (THEY DON’T EXIST GUYS) it could well have stained my reputation, could have ended my career before it even began. It shouldn’t have, my outside work should have no impact on my research and my academia, but such is being a girl I guess.

 

Incidentally, Kumiko, or rather Dr. Yasuda, is now head of the R’n’D division at the Super-Kamioka! We’re meeting up when I visit next month and, who knows, we might break out the EGL again?

(PHOTOS PLEASE - Darcy)

 

In case you may be wondering- Thor found the pictures both charming and highly amusing.

(Translation; he laughed for about half an hour - Darcy)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of this advice I got from a children's book on astronomy- I have never been stargazing in my life! Please take the advice of someone who HAS done it before!  
> As usual, none of the links work.

Got an email a while back and I love talking about star gazing!

 **'If someone wanted to start stargazing, what would they need?'**

First of all- get as far away from cities and towns as possible, or at least their light pollution (GO WITH A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER! BE SAFE!) to get the best views. It is possible to see the stars no matter where you are, I first started star gazing in my backyard, but I find it's just a lot clearer in wide open spaces away from people. Here's a list of things I'd suggest taking with you;

 

1\. Warm clothing - I wear about five layers of t-shirts and sweaters, as well as a heavy jacket. You might also need a hat, gloves and thick socks. I tend to wear tights/pantyhose under my jeans to. Doesn't matter the time of year- it is usually cold at night (except in Australia in summer, I actually had to strip down to shorts and vest! It was _boiling!_ ). Check the weather reports before hand to be sure!

2\. Food - Protein is the best. I am terrible when it comes to my diet, but I try to remember to bring something filling when I go stargazing, usually something peanut butter related. Also, hot drinks- tea, coffee, hot chocolate- are a life saver. I own so many thermos flasks, they're probably _thermi_ by now! (OH GOD YOU ARE A NEEERRRRRRDDDDD - Darcy).

3\. Be comfortable - Take a deck chair or something that'll let you recline, otherwise you will _kill_ your neck, back and legs. You might be standing up for most of it, but the best part, especially when you are in open countryside, is being able to lean back and just _stare_ at the beautiful night's sky. You can even lie on a sleeping bag!

4\. Binoculars - Telescopes are super expensive and often first timers don't choose the rights ones, but a good pair of binoculars work just fine, but I'd be remiss not to recommend a few good telescopes that are not too pricey. However, some skies look amazing, even to the naked eye. Take a stand if you have one, if not, here's a tutorial on how to make one using garden poles and twine.

5\. Star Charts - Here are the best charts to take with you when stargazing, but you can buy a bunch of apps to. I find having a paper map or even a planisphere (which you can also make here) is best in case your phone battery dies. If you get stuck or stranded without a working phone... well, let's just say you'll wish you used a paper map. Then again, you don't always need a map to appreciate the beauty of the sky, but it is nice to know a little about what you're looking at. 

6\. Extras - Batteries, a full charged cell-phone powering station, road maps (if you're in a car), camping gear if you're staying out over night and hand warmers.

But most importantly- **if you're going alone** , always make sure someone knows where you're going and what you're doing. I like solitude, but in the early days I went either with my parents or with my fellow nerds in the Astronomy club, and if you're starting out, it's best to take someone with you, someone you know and more importantly- _trust._

Hope this helps everyone and _happy stargazing!_


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane had found something in the wake of the Washington SHIELD leaks and finally decides to use it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to lead into another work I am writing- please note, mentions of the Nazis, Concentration Camps and Racism expected of the Nazis and, by extension, Hydra.

As some of you know; I'm Jewish.

I am proud of my ancestry and, even though I am not religious myself, I hold my culture and it's struggles in the highest regard. I celebrate it and adhere to it's customs. My paternal great-grandparents escaped Nazi occupied Holland, fled to the UK and changed their name to Foster, my maternal great-grandparents were not so lucky, but they got their children out (including my grandmother) and they eventually ended up in Isreal, where my mother was born. Hydra were known for their rather unorthodox scientific experiments and had even less scruples about who they used it on than the main Nazi party.

But in many ways, their need to research and to experiment far out-weighed their need to totally tow the Party line.

After Washington, I was contacted by email annoymously, by someone who wanted me to look at some research. They were honest about it's source, that it came from a Hydra scientist, and it's implications should I be found to be using it. I asked them to send it to me regardless, so I could judge on whether it was worth my time. They told me it was not digitized, that it came in the form of notebooks, papers and journals. I relented and asked them to send it to me.

It was an old wooden trunk, stuffed with over a dozen journals, notebooks and folders, as well as photographs and drawings.

In the wake of Washington, we learned of some of their most ruthless methods to get the help, the resources they needed, right under Hitler's nose. A long undisclosed SHIELD report named 'Devil's Advocate' (available here) showed that they recruited scientists regardless of their status under the Nazi Regieme. They forced them to take new identites, new nationalities (so as not to arrouse the suspicion of the Party) and then set them to work. Some worked on re-creating Dr. Erskine's formula for a Super Soldier, some researching weapons, alien artifacts... and one was to work on building a trans-dimensional bridge.

Her name was Dr Verena Essr. It is her work I am looking at.

Her name appears on various SSR files and though she was granted asylum because she was pregnant at the time of her arrest. Unlike so many other Hydra scientists, she was not taken on with SHIELD, despite a rare recommendation by the legendary Peggy Carter. I suspect we know why. At the end of the war, her name was dragged through the mud and her academic career was decimated. It's not known what happened to her after that, but it's assumed she was given a new name and life in the States on compassionate grounds. No one knows what happened to her child either- but those mysteries may come to light in the near future.

So, why am I admitting that I am using the work of Hydra? What can possibly justify the use of Nazi research by a Jewish scientist?

Because there is so much more to Dr. Essr's story. It is one of desperation, betrayal, pain, grief and some choices I wouldn't force on my worst enemy. After spending a lot of my spare time this last year, inbetween working and my own research, reading her journals and all that has come in the wake of the fall of SHIELD, I cannot dismiss her work.

She was not part of Hydra by choice.

You may have heard of the Incentive Programme\- it was still used right up until the present day. Perhaps some factions of Hydra _still_ use it. They take family members hostage or place them under surveillance and then force the person to work for them. It's a simple yet effective method that proved very powerful during Nazi Germany.

It was especially effective when a loved one was in a concentration camp.

The deal for Dr. Essr, then known as Naomi Lahn, was simple; work for Hydra and possibly see your family released or stay rotting with the other undesirables.

She took the deal. She had to learn German in less than a fortnight, take vows to serve the Third Reich and Hydra, have a new, German name and phase out her accent. Everything that made her... gone. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been for her. They chose her because she was not only a prodigy in math, physics and engineering, but was also a known believer in the existance of life on other planets. She wrote science fiction stories under a pseudonym- all concerning meeting aliens and crossing the stars on rainbow bridges. She writes in her first diary-

'My nurse used to read me stories of the Norse Gods and I asked them if they were true. She took a deep breath and said 'My ancestors met the Gods, they came from the sky, they saved us and then left, never to return. I believe they are there, but I cannot prove it.' 

It was then I wanted to set out to prove her right. It was a childhood foolishness that drove me from a silly daydream, to a working theory, to learning about astrophysics, the research of Thomson, Rutherford and Dirac. I absorbed all I could about space... Dr Bohr's work inspired me beyond measure and I felt I now had a purpose. I wrote it as a story to be published in a Science Fiction magazine, since no one would publish it as an academic work, in fact I published five stories in the end, and it was these, that attracted the attention of Hydra.'

Dr. Essr was the first person in writing to link the Norse Gods with aliens. Her work was what drew the attention of the Red Skull, it fired his imagination and was what set him to search for the Tesseract, leading us to the Battle of New York. Her notes show long nights on archeological digs looking at runes, her cross examination of the Poetic Edda with accounts of the Sami people- all driven by her Nurse's stories. She took her own equipment out into the mountains to search for evidence of transdimensional subatomic particles. Of course, she was not taken seriously and was seen as an eccentric, but her family indulged her obsession and gave her the money and means to conduct her strange little trips. She was permitted to attend university with her brothers, but she would never get an accredited degree, but she went nonetheless. From her diaries, all written in Norwegian and translated by Dr. Selvig and myself-

'At the time, academic recognition did not matter, I was a stubborn little girl with a need to prove aliens existed and that there was hard, empirical evidence. I would've given my back teeth to get the latest equipment, regardless of what people thought of me.

Then Hydra offered it to me, at the cost of my family, my culture, the very people who gave me the chance to explore in the first place. The irony is not lost on me.'

You can understand why this resonates with me.

I will write more of this, I am still uncovering more and more as I read. It is... taking a tole on me, emotionally. I have cried myself to sleep when reading these books, not just because the story in and of itself is so heartbreaking, but because in another time, this woman _could have been me._

This may well be enough to fill a whole book, perhaps not one I write, but Dr Essr's story needs to be told and perhaps, I can go some way to fulfilling her dream. There will be more to follow.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane summerises her discoveries about Verena Essr.

It’s been a while since I came back to the story of Verena Essr, former Hydra scientist and the first scientist to make a link between Norse mythology, alien life and Einstein Rosen bridges. I feel somewhat drained and tired after spending three months dedicating myself to just her notes and research. It’s no exaggeration to say that had this been brought to light earlier, our world would be a vastly different one.  
Her story is one that I don’t feel I can tell. I am too close to it. It hurts too much. I don’t feel like I can do justice to her story.  
So, starting next week, all the personal journals, notes and letters I’ve collected and researched, will be passed on to Professor Yetta Hundsfeld, a German academic who specialises in the history of Jewish recruits to Hydra. I will collaborate with her on writing Essr’s story from a biographical standpoint in the form of a book hopefully to be released next year. I will be acting as the astrophysics expert, linking what she theorised then, with what we know now.  
However, I do want to list some of the noteworthy discoveries I have made that will be elaborated in the book because I hope that these will show just how much I’ve learned and how much is still to be revealed;

Dr Essr was born Naomi Lahn in 1915, to a Jewish landowner, in the town of Tromso, Norway. If you know anything about the history of Asgard’s links with Earth, you’ll know the significance of this town, especially to Hydra.  
She was obsessed with space from an early age after her parent bought her a telescope second hand. She learned all the names of the constellations by the age of six and began writing stories about travelling into outer space. Her interest in mathematics and physics began at the age of eight, showing bright academic promise according to a letter from her governess.  
This governess was a Sami woman who told her stories of the Norse gods and that of her own culture, and it was from these stories Naomi began concocting her stories.  
It also seems she was a big fan of the Pulps- especially science fiction. She wrote seven short stories under the name Paul Temple. Whilst many scholars have contested this link, in the trunk I was given, I found several original copies and drafts of all of 'his' stories including his most known works such as The Lightning Bridge, The Star Princess, Troll Planet and Rainbow’s End\- … well, they were obscure at the time and mainly known only to fans of Depression Era pulp adventures. Not much was known about ‘Paul Temple’, other than he appeared to have sent his work from Norway…. the evidence we found is pretty conclusive, but between me and Professor Hundsfeld, we’ll be able to go into more detail. It’s as if people have a problem with the idea that a Jewish teenage girl was one of the earliest pioneers of science fiction (now science fact) or something.  
Being a woman in the early twenties, she was not expected to attend university, but carried on her own research, her own theories and fancies, indulged by her doting parents. She apparently had no intention of marrying and, since she was from a wealthy family and the youngest of three siblings there was no real pressure for her to do so. She wrote her work as if she were writing stories, accompanied by maps and notes and intended to turn it into children’s books… but then the Second World War broke out.  
In 1940, Norway was over run by the Nazis and Hydra, led by the man known as The Red Skull, took valuable Viking (Asgardian) artefacts they thought could be useful to their research. It turns out that Johann Schmidt, had discovered Paul Temple’s stories back in the thirties and traced them back to Naomi Lahn, using his goons to confiscate all of her work during the invasion. He had long made the connection between Norse myths (being venerated by the Nazi party and their Aryan Master-race mythology) and advanced alien science, but her stories caught his eye because of how plausible and well researched they seemed. He made a note to keep an eye on her, with the rounding up of Jewish families as the perfect way to keep her where he needed her.  
Two months after Naomi and her family were in Buchenwald, she was brought into the offices of an unknown Nazi officer, who offered her the chance to work for Hydra. She would get all the equipment, research, artefacts, materials she needed, on top of their assurance of her family’s safety. Once Germany had won, her brother, her sister and her parents would be set free, given full citizenship and an official pardon. She accepted.  
A direct quote from her journal - ‘I did have a choice, but the only other option I had was to let my family die. In hindsight? Of course they were lying, but until you know what it is to starve, to be ripped from the safety of your family and your culture into a literal Hell, condemned to die for the crime of simply existing, then you do not get to judge me or my decision.’  
Also - ‘Hydra claimed to be some how better than the Nazi party, that their ideals were higher, that their goals were far more glorious because they had the real power to touch the Gods. It was a delusion they clung to, that they still cling to. They are no better than the Nazis, if anything they are far worse. No higher ideal is worth killing millions of people and if you truly believe that to be the case, you are beyond even the kindest heart. You are especially beyond mine.’  
Upon her recruitment, she was given the name Verena Essr and initiated, becoming a fully fledged member of Hydra and gaining an honorary PhD for her research (I already described what she had to do in my last blog entry). She describes this in her journals ‘I had dreamed of university as a girl, of gaining a title, and here I was. I was told to smile, to stand proud, but I felt sick and humiliated. I got a cap and a gown, a diploma and I had my picture taken in a class. It was a mockery of real achievement. I gained this title through betrayal and on the backs of many others who were dead or dying. I gained yet another title, a name, that I wear like a ball and chain around my neck.’  
She began her research into the building of a trans dimensional bridge. Her first port of call was constructing a working model of Yggdrasil. As it turns out, the Yggdrasil Model that me and Dr Selvig constructed in the wake of the Convergence was simply a more complete version of what Essr theorised during her time in Hydra. She requested permission to study the Tesseract, but was denied since it was being used in weaponry. She argued it could hold the key to opening her bridge, but still she was turned down. They told her she could use it once Hydra had won. ‘One of many bitter ironies I would learn to endure- I gave up all that made me me to study the stars and they could not even give me access to the one thing I needed. Some scientific movement. So obsessed with conquest and war… I could’ve given them the chance to progress, to prove how close to the Gods they were, but they turned it down in favour of fighting Captain America. It would be funny, if it didn’t make me want to stick a pistol in my mouth. Perhaps it is a good thing in the end… imagine if Hydra had the power to traverse the universe after all? All that destruction. And it would have still been on my head.’  
All of her work fell into obscurity after the war, most of it lost all together. The only thing that remained was her name, her Hydra name, used as a footnote that I myself referenced briefly in an academic paper. She was dismissed as another Hydra crackpot. It was only after the Washington leaks and the fall of SHIELD that we can learn the truth about her and others like her.  
She was offered asylum and a new identity, since she was found to be pregnant. Further reading reveals she lived out the rest of her days as Ruth Levy, marrying a teacher shortly after settling in Virginia. Her son was named Aaron and she refused to reveal the identity of the father, but he took his stepfather's name and is, himself, a teacher. His daughter, Kat, was the one who delivered the work to me.  
Naomi Lehr died five years ago last week, having recorded all that she could and her granddaughter using her reputation as a freedom of information activist, scrambling in the wake of the Washington leaks to retrieve her grandmother’s work. It had been kept in one of the Hydra controlled SHIELD bases until the leak, where she used her contacts to get it back. Much of it was seen to be redundant in the wake of Greenwich anyway, so it’s significance is ‘only’ historical and cultural. Kat Levy sent it to me knowing my position, not to mention my experience, could ensure her grandmother’s work was not in vain.

The work, both her academic research and her journals, that we received is now in the process of being archived and uploaded for free access. It’ll be available here in two months.

I feel… drained if I’m honest. Tired. Maybe you’ll feel the same way when you read it for yourselves, maybe you won’t, but it feels so close to my own story that I sometimes shudder thinking how different it could have been for me.

I also feel relieved that Naomi is finally going to be able to tell her own story, even posthumously, and that I hope this means her research can be used despite her links to Hydra.

I’ve always believed that scientists have to have the highest ethics, especially now that we live in such a science fiction universe- one where we know aliens exist. Where we know that it is possible to traverse the cosmos in minutes. All of this would not have been possible without Naomi Lahn. I have directly benefited from her legacy, even if I didn’t know it and it’s time both I and the rest of the world acknowledged this. I would never use Hydra research, I would rather start from scratch… but this was work from her originally, appropriated by a Nazi organisation, much like the Super Soldier Serum, and potentially used for conquest and killing.  
Well, now it’ll be used to further our path to the stars. That’s all she wanted.  
I’ll leave you with a final quote from her;

‘This world is a strange one, one I could never have predicted, but I have so much hope for it. If I never get to see the Gods, they have already come to see us. I have finished now, so much hurt has been lifted from me in the writing and I can leave knowing the path is clearer, far more than it has ever been, and I could not be happier.  
Go to your stars little world and wait for me there.’


	11. Chapter 11

Sokovia wasn’t that long ago, it’s still fresh and raw in people’s minds, as were the events leading up to it in other cities. A lot of people have been asking me about it, since I obviously have a personal connection to it. I have also been asked about the role of Tony Stark in the creation of the AI known as Ultron- rumoured to be the result of experiments using alien artefacts. We know that this has been going on for a long  long time, with other super-powered beings and advanced technology. 

Where do we go from here? 

There are so many new variables here- super heroes (enhanced), aliens, robots… what’s next? (A raise? - Darcy) 

I have written and re-written this more times than I can count. I don’t know where to be begin honestly. I have always wanted to be fair and considerate to as many voices as possible-  especially in an area I do not know or fully understand, but I feel on this I can offer an informed perspective- I’ve been up close and personal with both aliens and alien artefacts, I know where I stand on them. I also know many enhanced people and would even count some of them amongst my friends, on top of being in professional relationships with some of the people directly involved in the fall-out from the ‘Ultron Incident’. I am going to sound disingenuous to a lot of people, but please know I am trying to be as honest with you and myself as I can be. If that means isolating myself from people I once worked with, that maybe something I’ll have to live with.

Okay, here it goes;

 

The rumoured plans to pass a registration act for enhanced people, if truly in the works, would be catastrophic to say the least. How can we possibly justify rounding people up and branding them in such a way? Maybe not literally, that sounds like hyperbole, but really- how is ‘just’ putting their names on a register (one presumably accessible to potential employees/family/people in positions of power) any different from marking them bodily? You might as well.

I have been neck deep in researching the history of Dr Essr, can you really blame me for taking this position? Not to mention my cultural background and, yes, my personal relationship  with  an ‘enhanced’ being. 

Except Thor is  not enhanced, he’s an alien- where does this act leave him and others like him? There doesn’t appear to be any solid information regarding this act, let alone what it intends to do regarding aliens and, trust me, it will be an issue in the future. 

I cannot sit on the fence on this one. Since when has any similar plans like this one  ever worked out for anyone? How can we possibly build relationships with other worlds and cultures from across galaxies, if we can’t even stand the thought of people  from this world being different? 

However, it would seem that all this is hearsay and hopefully not based in any actual policy, but it’s certainly getting a lot of people talking and clamouring… could something like another Ultron incident finally push it into reality? God I hope not, but… who knows?

 

Should heroes be held accountable? Of course, but it’s difficult since they don’t really answer to any government body and pretty much operate freelance, they would have to be called in like any world citizen would be if they commit an offence or fail to adequately deal with a situation- there could be enquiries, trials and- you know- due course rather than trial by media. It would have to be an agreed international body, could be set up specifically to deal with the aftermath of superhero related incidents. There have been ones held by the US government, but that’s not going to cut it in a globalised world and such a US-centric approach is outdated in the extreme.

Whatever happens, it’s pretty clear that what we have now is not working.

However, branding all of them as if they were criminals  by default  seems like a bad BAD idea. You don’t need to stretch the imagination much to understand why.

 

My field is science, but my encounters and experience have taught me that we cannot separate our humanity (a catch all term that could become obsolete when we truly deal with other alien civilisations!), our basic empathy, our compassion and common sense even as we deal with the science fiction world we now live in. 


End file.
